Just BE

 JUST “BE”

By Janette VanLeer

Be ye therefore perfect is Gods command to me

It seemed quite overwhelming till I came to understand the “BE”

I realized that everything I desire is found,
when I just "BE" simple blessings abound.

For when I quiet my ego minds incessant chatter,

and live from the essence of my spirit and what really matters,

I "BE” faith, for God is always there to help me out,

and I shift from a state of fear or doubt.

 I “BE” unconditional love and receive all the love that God hast.

Then judgment of others and myself becomes a thing of the past.

I “BE” charity, serve others,  for God always fills my cup.

 I quit feeling sorry for myself and that I will never measure up.

I “BE” hope and I find the strength to continue smiling.

I am no longer discouraged and wonder why I keep trying?

I “Be” obedient, submissive and peace comes to stay.

I let go of stubbornness and doing things my way.

Sometimes I forget and I feel turmoil, pain, and stress

My ego mind takes over and life feels like a big mess.

But when I am humbled and drop to my knees

My answer from God is always to “BE”.

To “BE” and live each day from my essence,

I make wise decisions and can “BE” in Gods presence.

My spirit is radiant for I have the pure love of Christ.

To live and just “BE” really is the spice of life.

I Am A Pumpkin!

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I recently got a cute e-mail from my sister that compared us to a pumpkin with God as the Master carver.  It began with the question, “What is it like to be Christian?”  Then it went on to say that being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the pumpkin patch opens you up and begins to scoop all the yucky stuff out of you. Then he carves you a new smiling face and puts his light inside you for all the world to see.

 When we really love and trust God enough to turn our will over to Him then  he will help us scoop out all the slimy stuff inside that isn’t serving us like  fear, judgment, bitterness,  guilt, sadness, low self worth,  jealousy, heartache, stubbornness and pride. It is through his love and our willingness to follow him that our fear turns into faith, and judgment turns into unconditional love, and bitterness and guilt turns into forgiveness, and sadness and heartache turns into peace, and low self-worth turns into wholeness, and stubbornness and pride turn into humility.   

Then we through what ever our talents, and spiritual gifts, are will fulfill our ultimate purpose on the earth which is as Matthew 5:16 says to: 

The Mysteries of the Heart

 

Please watch this 2:34 minute video on the Mysteries of the Heart

(If the above video does not show up in your e-mail 

please click on the title of this blog to learn the 

powerful role your heart plays in your life.)

Every day, every moment of the day we are experiencing emotions. As you saw in the video science is discovering that these emotions originate in the heart and then are processed by our brain. Whether these emotions are positive or negative greatly affect our life, health, and those around us.  Positive emotions create peace and harmony in our lives, proven by the even smooth rhythm of our heart beat. Negative emotions create havoc, stress, and unrest in our lives proven by the irregular chaotic heart beat. The emotions that we carry in our heart also greatly affect our energy field and what we are putting out and getting back from the world. This is also called the Law of the Harvest or Karma.

Many times we are not even aware of the negative energy we carry because we have lived with it for so long that it feels comfortable. All we know is that we are unhappy and unfulfilled in life. Many times it was created from events that happened even as long ago as your birth.  I realized that part of the reason I struggled so much with self worth is because my mom became pregnant with me when she was 47 years old and was  not happy about it.  I spent 9 months in the womb knowing that I wasn't wanted.  Then from that point on every time something negative would happen in my life it would validate and subconsciously add a brick to my wall of feeling unimportant, not enough, and less than.  My head would constantly be telling me that no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough, that my husband really couldn't love someone like me, that I was a horrible mother, that I am a failure, that it doesn't make a difference whether I am here or not, that life isn't fair.

  Take a moment and get in touch with the thoughts and mental chatter that plays in your head.  Is it positive or negative? Does it make you feel good about yourself and create peace in your heart, or does create overwhelm, feelings of not being enough, anger, bitterness, or a pity party? Are your thoughts creating positive or negative Karma?


There are many ways  to heal and create more positive emotions. One of the biggest is to live in a state of gratitude, recognizing and focusing on the abundance and blessings in our life instead of the problems. Forgiveness is also a huge tool of healing.  When we hold onto grudges, resentment, and bitterness, it hold us hostage and keeps us in bondage from experiencing peace and joy. Letting go of judgement and being charitable, which is seeing ourselves and others thru the pure love of Christ. This means that we look for and focus on the good in ourselves and others, which when you think about it is a great way to serve mankind.

What negative emotions are you tired of feeling and are ready to release? What positive feelings do you want instead? Take a moment and write down any negative emotions you have experienced today and then beside them write the opposite positive emotion. Ask God to help you learn how to create more of what you do want and less of what you don't want. Be aware of people in your life that emulate those emotions and make them your teachers.  If  you want to speed up the process schedule an energy session, I would love to help you create peace and wholeness in your life. You will be amazed at what one session can release, and how you will feel lighter and more at peace.

Is Life Giving You What You Desire?

Out thoughts, our beliefs and our actions is what creates our lives by the vibration that we put out. Because of the natural Law of the Harvest, also known as  Karma or the Law of Attraction, what we consciously, or unconsciously put out is also what we get back from life only magnified. 

This was demonstrated by an experiment called the Ripple Effect that I read about recently in the book To Him That Believeth, by Frederick and June Babbel.  He says, "One of the students challenged my suggestion that our thoughts and feelings are projected to those around us and will likewise result in an increased return of good or ill. He and his companions volunteered to conduct an experiment to prove that I was mistaken about such things. I invited them to bring their results to the concluding session two weeks later.

When they returned, they sketched briefly on the blackboard a diagram of their experiment. They had taken a piece of heavy plank, and on top of it they had mounted a seismograph. Underneath they had suspended a sonar sounding device like that used on ships to detect underwater disturbances.

They placed this equipment well out in one of their man-made lakes. Then they took a large boulder and threw it so it landed in the water near this device. The seismograph registered the splash, the waves, and even the ripples as they disappeared along the shoreline.

The students continued to focus their binoculars on the seismograph. In a little while the recording needle began to move in an ever-increasing intensity. The monitoring tape showed the final register to be almost three times the intensity of the register of the splash. They concluded that the ripples to the shoreline had returned under water back to the rock, the original source of the energy. The sonar system in the water indicated that the force that returned to the rock had been multiplied approximately three times.

They concluded that since the principle applies to inanimate objects (such as the rock), it would surely apply to thoughts and feelings, which scientific instruments have recorded as producing measurable amounts of energy.

When I teach my classes one of the things I do to demonstrate this principle is to have someone come up to the front of the room. I hold up a piece of paper that the person upfront can't see that say's I hate you, you are ugly, you are dumb and ask the class to project these thoughts toward the person in front. I then ask them to hold their arm out to the side and tell them to hold strong, meaning resist letting me push your arm down. The person will always go weak. Then I will hold a sign up that says I love you, you are beautiful, you are amazing and ask the class to project that towards the person in front. This time when I push down on the persons arm they are able to resist me and I can't push their arm down. It is a perfect example of how our thoughts affect ourselves as well as others.

Based on these two experiments it would seem that if we want to change something in our lives  all we have to do is change our thoughts and beliefs about it and that will change our actions, which will attract to us the result we want, right. Easier said than done. We have a thing called a subconscious mind that can get in our way.  Our subconscious mind is where we store all our beliefs and emotions about life. There are many things stored there that can trigger emotions and actions that we are not even aware of.  If there is a false belief in our subconscious mind around what we are trying to create it will sabotage you every time.  Many times that belief and the negative emotions surrounding it was created by an event that happened that we have totally forgotten about, but is still affecting our lives today. The good news is that through energy work it is easy to pinpoint the emotion that is sabotaging you and clear it, without having to go through the drama, and/or trauma of the event.  Most of the time the persons subconscious mind knows it is affecting their life in a negative way and they are so tired of the results that it is creating and is more than happy to let it go. Infact, the only time I have seen it  not be ready is when there is resentment or bitterness involved and the person thinks they are punishing the person by holding onto it. Many times after this is released my client will comment how much lighter and better they feel.

An example of this that showed up in my life was around my birthday. A friend of mine wanted to take me to lunch and then go shopping and buy me something new.  I was fine to go to lunch with her, but I was having a hard time letting her take me shopping and especially to buy me stuff. I knew in my head that it was what friends do and that if it were her birthday I would want to do the same for her, but in my heart I felt pure panic at the thought of it. Because of my training in energy work I realized that there had to be something from my past that was creating this feeling of panic.  The more I thought about it I realized that I had a really hard time asking for help, or receiving things from others.  If I ever thought that I had put someone out I would feel terrible, to the point you would think I had committed a huge sin.   I did some energy work around this and realized that the emotions I was storing were about never wanting to be a burden or  a task to someone came from when I was a brand new baby. I remembered that when I was born my mother got very sick and the women in my church took care of me during the day, and my older sisters took care of me after school and on the weekends. I am not sure exactly how long this went on, but I know it went on for quite a few months.  As you can imagine over time the excitement over having a new baby wore off and they took care of me because they had to, not because they wanted to.  As a baby I felt and took on their emotions that they were putting out and it was still affecting my ability to have a healthy relationship with others clear into my 40's.  The good news is that my subconscious mind was ready and waiting to let all those emotions go and I was able to clear them energetically.  Now when someone wants to serve me I am fine with it. It feels good and I can actually appreciate it and be in gratitude for it.


Recently, a client of mine I will call Diane came to me because she was very unhappy and knew she had alot of stuck negative emotions that were affecting her self worth and her relationship with her kids and husband.  As we worked to identify what the issue was not trusting herself came up. We then identified that an event that happened when she was 15 was the root of this emotion. Without going into to much detail she made a decision that later she felt wase a huge mistake and has created alot of grief in her life created the false belief that she was unable to make good decisions. A few years later when she got married and ended up getting a divorce further added to this belief. She realized that because she was so afraid to make another mistake that she was giving all her power away to others. She didn't know who she was,  like who she was, or have any idea what she wanted to do with her life.  It was so fun to help her realize how she had let this bad experience affect her life, and feel all the  heaviness in her leave as we cleared it. It also came up in the session that the reason she made those bad choices was because she was pleasing other people instead of listening to her own voice and finding her own answers.



If there are things in your life that you are feeling frustrated by, is it a possibility that a false belief is at the root of it?

Day 23: My Last Day Is Also My FIrst

Every time you have a last you also have a first. Tomorrow is the end of August and the last day of my commitment that I made to not eat any sugar for the month of August. Tomorrow is also the first day of the rest of my life of committing to live what I now know is truth for me and honoring my body, mind, and spirit. I now have pure knowledge that sugar does not serve me in any way, except for maybe the few minutes I am enjoying whatever I am eating. After truly experiencing life without sugar and the payoff that has come with it I don't want to go back, I only want to move forward. I have discovered and learned what I really was choosing by thinking it was impossible to totally give it up. That what I was really choosing was moods swings, anxiety, feeling negative about myself, low energy, and still not feeling enough. I don't choose to live that way anymore. I choose to be whole. This doesn't mean that I don't still make plenty of mistakes, have lots to learn, and that I won't still have an off day here and there. It does mean that for the first time I really love me, stretch marks, freckles, varicose veins and all. It means that I am able to feel my Heavenly Fathers love, and that all he truly wants for me is joy. It means that I no longer experience feeling a hole inside of not being enough. I am enough by just being me, imperfections and all, and that has been a huge gift to discover.

Day 22: Thoughts...Ally or Enemy?

It has been interesting over these last 28 days to observe the chatter that goes through my head.  What I allow myself to believe really becomes my reality whether it is truth or not.  For instance the battle that went on in my head yesterday while I was eating lunch at The Harvest Restaurant at Thanksgiving Point.  I looked on the menu for a salad that didn't have fruit in it, and if I asked them to leave out the tomatoes, would still have lots of yummy stuff in it.  Well, I can't remember the name of what I ordered, but when it came and I started to dig into it, I realized that even though I asked them to leave the tomatoes out, it was chock full of sauteed peppers and onions.  The conversation in my head started.  Janette you have gone practically a month without peppers,  why not just let go and enjoy the salad peppers and all, after all you have been sooo good you deserve a treat. (I do love roasted peppers).  Then, the next thought.  Janette you have come this far and who knows if you give in you might undo everything you have worked so hard at, besides, you only need to go three more weeks and your body should be rid of Epstein Barr. Next thought, well alot of doctors say that their is no cure and it is impossible to get rid of, what if you are doing all this for nothing.  Next thought, ya, but you will never know unless you give it your all, and just think of how good it feels when you look back on a tough moment and you didn't give in and how much personal power you gain each time.  Well that was the end of the battle and I ate around the peppers. What does your self talk say? It really can be quite entertaining.

Today hasn't been a day of creating yummy things to eat, except for the peach pie which I made Russ. I purposely made it with sugar so that I would leave it alone.  My neighbor has a peach tree and doesn't like peaches. Can you imagine!?  So she said I could have all I wanted.  I am going to dehydrate some tomorrow.  Monday I made a peach pie using Stevia  as the sweetener.  My family didn't seem to know that it wasn't sugar.   Yes, I didn't quite make it the full three weeks without fruit. To many yummy things this time of year.  I have been good about sugar, bread, cheese, tomatoes, potatoes, and peppers though, so I feel really good about that.

I started off the day eating a small zucchini out of my garden. Then I ate lunch with my friend Margaret at  her assisted living center. They served some delicious tilapia and coleslaw.  I left the mac and cheese, biscuit and brownie on my plate. :) To many simple carbs.  Snacked on some tortilla chips, a few peach slices, and a slice of cantalope.  Tonight I had left over Chicken, Broccoli, Rice, with Curry Sauce.

Tomorrow is my last day of this challenge.  Time sure flies when you are learning lots. I will continue to blog once a week about lessons I'm learning, yummy healthy recipes I have found, and ways to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit. If you want to continue to follow my blog become a follower by entering your e-mail in the box at the top right.

Day 20: Anyone can do this!

I have heard alot of people say that they know that they need to cut down on or give up sugar because they know it isn't serving them mentally or spiritually, but it is just too hard. Giving up any addiction is never easy, but it can be done by taking the following steps.

1. Find your Why.  You can do anything if why you are doing it is important enough to you. Sit down and really get real with the price you are paying by hanging onto it. What emotional price are you paying? What physical price are you paying, or could pay down the road? What is it really costing you in real dollars. I have a brother in law who lost 60 lbs. just by giving up his Coke habit. Besides lowering his blood sugar he figured it saved him over $60.00 per month! (Read about my WHY's on Day 14.)

2. Ask yourself, what does it do for you emotionally?  Does it bring you comfort? Does it remind you of home? Do you do it to avoid dealing with issues in your life? Is it an escape? Or is there an event or an emotion subconsciously attached to it that you are not even aware of? Our subconscious mind is more powerful than our conscious mind and believe it or not is really makes the decisions in our lives based off the emotional response to that decision.  Through energy work it is easy to figure out what emotions are tied to it. If you are ready to let go of them we can just clear them out. (Read more about that and other peoples experiences by clicking on Transformation Body & Energy work above.) If you aren't ready to let go, it at least creates an awareness and can start the process of what ever you need to to get to the point that you can let it go.

3. Find healthier alernatives to the foods you have been eating.  If you love icecream, make a smoothie. If you love potatoe chips, make popcorn and go light on the butter. If you just need to munch try celery or apples with peanut butter,  carrots and cucumbers, and raw nuts.  Or if there is a certain time of day that is harder, change your routine and go for a walk instead of going to the pantry. The easiest way to avoid something you know doesn't serve your body is to just not have it around. Another key to avoiding cravings is to eat a good low carb, low glycemic breakfast, and don't let your self get hungry by eating several small meals a day.

4.  Give your body the nutrition it needs. Processing sugar is very stressful on the body and uses up a lot of it vitamin and minerals. Having a deficiency in these vitamins will only make the cravings worse. Also if you suffer from Candida or low blood sugar, you will have a lot more intense cravings especially if it gives you a little pick me up in the afternoon. But also tune into the let down, drop you on fanny feeling you get about a half hour to an hour later.  When your body is balanced and has the nutrition it needs it is tons easier to stay away from food that doesn't serve you, and eat food that does. Through muscle testing and tuning into your subconscious mind, you can ask your body what foods serve it the most and which foods you are sensitive or allergic to.

Any small step in the right direction is the beginning of the journey to better health and well being.

I am back to feeling great and I had awesome energy all day! The highlight was that DINNER WAS A BIG SCORE!!!!!!! EVERYONE LIKED IT! I made....
 Broccoli Rice with Curry Sauce.

2 cups of Brown rice, I had to use white as I have not converted my family to Brown rice yet cooked in chicken broth.
3 chicken breasts (cooked and chopped)
14 oz. milk
2 Tbsp Cornstarch
2 tsp. Curry
1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1/2 cup fresh parsley (1Tbsp dried)
1 1/2 tsp sea salt
1 tsp garlic powder
3 stems fresh broccoli cut into bitesize pieces
1 Tbsp lemon juice
8 oz mushrooms

Cook rice according to package directions. Cook Chicken and saute mushrooms in coconut oil. Bring about 1 inch of water to a boil and then put broccoli in and steam for two to three min. Meanwhile in a blender, blend milk, curry, cornstarch, garlic powder, and salt. Drain water off broccoli and pour mixture in with broccoli to thicken. Adding the  cilantro and parsley. Then add rice and chicken and lemon juice, stir together and serve.

Day 18: I Feel Like a Lump!

Have you ever had one of those days when your brain is willing, but your body does not want to cooperate?  That was today.  I woke up at 5:30 with no energy and my body aching.  I willed my body into the car to meet my awesome workout buddies, Leilani Merril, and Marciea Castleman at 6:00.  They are so dependable to help me get up and get moving at least three days a week. I don't know what I would do without them!  I walked in the door after class, went up stairs and the battle between getting ready for the day and having a short little snooze first began. The bed won, and I didn't wake up again till 10:30! Nice to be at the stage of life where I can do that. That is pretty much how the day has been, no energy, draggin hiney, tired.  So my hope is that since the places that I am achy the most is where my lymph nodes are that this Epstein Barr virus has finally gotten the message it's not wanted and doesn't belong in my body and is on a one way ticket outta here!!!

The other challenge today was my determination not to fudge on this diet waned a little with my energy. It all started when I took my son Braden to lunch at Costa Vida, my favorite place to eat.  Last time I ate there I got my chicken salad without the pico de gallo.  This time, I lost.  So for the first time in about four weeks I had tomatoes (I started not eating nightshade veggies, because the alkaloids in them trigger arthritis and epstein barr, a week before the other stuff).  Then I went to visit my amazing friend and cook, Bonita Lunt. She made me a peach pie, with Xylotol, because she knows I am not doing sugar right now.  Peaches are my FAVORITE fruit, so I gave in again and for the first time in 18 days I had fruit. Strike two. I must say it was FABULOUS!!!! You would never know it didn't have real sugar in it.  Then Russ had all his black belts over for pizza and thought he was doing me a favor ordering the stuffed crust pizza with garlic sauce, instead of the usual red tomato sauce.  I had two helpings of salad while everyone ate their pizza, but in the end I had to cut a sliver off a piece and try it. Strike three. But I am not out.

I did cheat, but I did not give in with reckless abandon as I would have in the past. My mind was saying to me, well you already cheated at Costa Vida, you just as well just enjoy the rest of the day and start new tomorrow.  My heart said, Janette you have come this far and you will hate your self in the morning, have a little and be good with that.  Luckily my heart won and tomorrow is a new day!

Day 17: Supplement Support

Part of wellness is being aware of and tuning into your body when it is trying to tell you something.  So often we ignore the early warning signs that something is out of balance, we are tired, fatigued, have digestion issues, or headaches, or aches and pains and we just mask them with tylenol, energy drinks, or rolaids.  I have learned to be aware of enough of my body to know that my being tired all the time, and wishing I could have a nap every afternoon, and having the blah's all the time that it wasn't just part of being in my 40's, or just stress, that something was really not right. I'm glad I listened and tuned into the fact that my body is carrying the Epstein Barr virus, before it became debilitating.  So many times something is going on and we go see a Doctor and they just give us something for the symptoms, in this case I know they would have just given me an anti-depressant, which might have leveled out my mood, but would not  have addressed anything else. So instead I called a homeopathic practitioner, and she got right to the root of the issue. She also told me what to do to give my body the support it needed to get well.  From left to right this is what she recommeded:
Vitamin D: assists with alot of different functions in your body and something doctors are even starting to screen for when you get a physical.
Immune Strenthen: Pretty self expanitory
Spiralina: This assists with keeping blood sugar stable, as it is a great source of protein, it is also a great source of iodine for Thyroid issues.
Vitex:  A great help for PMS and other women issues
Red Raspberry Leaves: Also supports womens hormones
Licorice Root: Supports adrenal function
B-Stress:  B vitamins are critial for energy, mental clarity, depression, and a long list of other things. Most people need extra of this because of the stressful world we live in.
Lysine- Kills viruses
Parasite Cleanse- Supports digestion and rids your digestive tract of unwanted organisms
Burdock- Liver support
B-12: Supports adrenals and gives you energy.

Each week I just fill each day of the box full so taking these vitamins to support my healing is a no brainer.

Todays Menu: 
Breakfast: Two stalks of celery and scrambled eggs
Lunch: Tuna, Green Salad, Sweet potoato fries ( They do turn out crispier when you cook them in the oven)
Dinner: Chicken marianated in Italian dressing, wild rice, and a vegetable salad.

Candida Diet Day 16: Sweet Potatoe Fries!

 Today was an awesome day! It started with a trip with the youth to the  Brigham City Temple Open House. What a beautiful place!!! When I got home Russ grilled some burgers and I made sweet potatoe fries. They were actually a hit and they were a breeze to  make.



Sweet Potatoe Fries:
Two large Sweet Potatoes
Coconut Oil
Sea Salt

Cut Sweet potatoes into sticks and saute in 3 Tbsp Coconut Oil, till they change colors and are soft. Sprinkle with Sea Salt. Next time I make them I am going to put them in a ziploc and the coconut oil to coat and then cook on a cookie sheet to see if they will be more evenly crispy and browned.

I had a busy afternoon and evening, working on clients, (it is so fun to help others get rid of their baggage), so  I didn't get any dinner made. Poor Russ just had a bowl of cereal and I finished off the Chicken Thai Wraps, good thing Ciera ate at a friends house.

Candida Diet Day 15: Take one day at a time.

July 1997

I have been going through 25 years of pictures, with the hope that I can sort them out, organize them, and start creating digital books of our family history.   I have the pictures sorted by child now I need to take that child's pictures and organize them chronologically and then start to scan them in and make a book for each child.  Matt, my oldest,  is 23 (the son sitting on my lap) so his book alone feels like an overwhelming task, and one that I will just have to plug away at one event at a time, one Sunday at a time. (If anyone has done this and has tips, please, lets talk!)

That is the same way I have had to do this diet.  When I started off and I thought about 30 days without, sugar, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, and 21 days without dairy, bread, and fruit, it felt overwheming. Fear would start to come out and I would begin to wonder what am I going to eat. I am a person that loves change and variety, and eating same things day after day would not work for me. But as I  have taken it one day at a time, moment by moment, and trusting that inspiration, recipes, and whatever else I needed to do this would come. I have been extremely blessed and with assistance from God and a lot of support from all of you. Each day has become more of an adventure of what am I going to create to eat today?  It has been easier than I thought it would be, and as my hormones have evened out and I feel like myself for the first time in I can't tell you how long it has even been rewarding.  

I am learning that in all areas of my life, that taken day by day, changing what I can, letting go of  and/or accepting what I can't and trusting that it will all work out in the end, makes life doable,  even enjoyable, and rewarding.

What's been on my plate today? Leftovers.

My day started out with a cucumber out of my garden, and then a left over buckwheat waffle with peanut butter on it from dinner last night.  That lasted me till 3:00 when I came home and ate a Thai Chicken Wrap (recipe in Day 14 of RECIPES in the tool bar) from yesterdays lunch. Then I have been snacking on left over carrots, cucumbers, and celery from the veggie tray I made for the wedding luncheon on Saturday. Tonight I am going to a Relief Society Salad Social.  I was hoping to get a salad made so I for sure would have something to eat but it is in 25 min, so I better hurry.  I will finish off the night with Yoga at 8:00 taught by Sarah Horne at the karate school. Can't wait!  Yoga night is always a night of the best sleep ever!

Day 14: Is Your Why BIg Enough?

IS IT BIG ENOUGH?

In goal setting it is the "WHY" that makes all the difference in whether you achieve that goal or not. If you have a big enough why, you can do ANYTHING you set  your mind to. 

Every decision we make in our lives is based on whether that decision will bring us pleasure of pain.  In the past when I fell off the wagon it was because the  pleasure of tasting that cookie, or  ice cream cone, or the uncomfortable feeling I would get when I was at a party and everybody else was eating sweets and what would they think of me if I didn't, or how would I make them feel if I didn't, was stronger for me than the pain of the grumpy ornery, depressed place that sugar took me to.  I would do good during the week, but then Sunday would roll around and Russ would make chocolate chip cookies, or his caramel, pecan cinnamon rolls, and I was toast.  I would rationalize, I have been good all week, I deserve it.   Or, he made it, I at least have to try it and make him feel good.  Another thing that would get to me is the fear that people would feel that I wasn't any fun to be around, because they would feel guilty if they were eating sweets and I wasn't. You are probably chuckling at my silly worries, but the negative chatter that goes through our head at  times really could be a comedy show. So what has changed?  I have a big enough "WHY".  In fact for me several big why's.

WHY #1: How can I get down on my kids for their addictions if I can't quit mine. 
Sugar is poison to my mind, body, and spirit. It doesn't serve me in any shape or form except maybe the few minutes of pleasure I get while I am eating it.  Not being able to leave it alone, is no different than someone not being able to quit smoking.  This is one I  have only told a few people about, but I realized as I was talking to my son about quitting smoking one day that I was being a hypocrite.

WHY #2: I do not want my kids to remember me as a grumpy, ornery, depressed person.
I want to be remembered as someone who is fun to be around.  I don't EVER want to be a should in my kids life.  My dad as he got older was not fun to be around, and when I would visit him, it was because I should, and that's what good daughters do. I want people to come see me because they want to, because they enjoy it. I don't ever want to be a project!

WHY #3: I do not want to ever have to go to an assisted living center.
I spend a lot of time there, and everyone I see there is merely surviving, existing, no one looks happy, and excited about life.  My hope is that if I pay the price and take care of my health now, it will take care of me as I age.

WHY #4: I have told the whole world I am doing this and I don't want to let anyone down.
This is really how it all started, and what I "thought" would keep me committed. It is pretty important to me to be my word. Now I think it is the least powerful of my why's because I get to do this for me. Not because people are watching me.

Why #5:  I don't ever want to go back to the place of not enoughness.  
I feel balanced and whole for the first time in my life.  I have spent my whole life with a hole inside me.  For two weeks I have felt what it feels like to have the chemicals in my body balanced to the point that I am enough, I have value,  I love life, I know who I am, what I stand for, and what I am passionate about.  I am passionate about assisting others to figure out and overcome their addictions, why they have low self worth, false beliefs, and triggers, so they can feel whole and live their lives with purpose and passion.  This will create peace, love, and joy within themselves, within their homes, and rippling out into the community, and into the world.  That is why I went to massage school, and have spent lots of money to become an energy practitioner.  Clearing the negative thoughts out of the mind, and toxins out of the body, awakens the spirit and then you are free too live your truth, your mission, your purpose.

Thai Peanut Wraps

What did I eat today?
Breakfast: I started off with two cucumbers while I studied and then about 9:30 had some 5 grain hot cereal.
Lunch: Thai Wraps (Recipe is in the recipe section above.)  It was really yummy! Didn't taste like "health food" at all.
Snacks: Tortilla chips, yellow zucchini, pumpkin seeds
Dinner: Buckwheat Belgian Waffles. This was a little hard not to put anything sweet on it. I sufficed with some peanut butter.  I thought they were o.k. and VERY filling. My family said, YUCK, because they were  kinda heavy instead of light like they are used to. I will get to tweak that recipe some if I make it for them again.
 

Candida Diet Day 12: Gum is my friend

 It has been 19 days without sugar. What do I do when I have a sweet tooth, but am committed to not eating sugar? Trident gum, sweetened with Xylotol.  It gives me something to chew that's sweet, keeps my mouth busy and I'm good.  What isn't good is when you are chewing gum in the temple to keep you awake and you realize you are absent mindedly blowing bubbles. OOOOPS!

Today started off with making a veggie tray for the Hursts wedding luncheon, so it was an easy choice to have veggies for breakfast. Very convenient to just munch carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, cauliflower, and celery as I made the tray. Lunch was a hamberger with sliced avocado, and pickles, wrapped in lettuce for the bun.  About 4:00 I had a piece of the zucchini cake I made yesterday, (I sweetened it with stevia, which balances your blood sugar), but I'm wondering if the whole wheat flour didn't agree with me because I got sleepy, and (can't believe I'm gonna admit this) gassy when I went to the temple this afternoon. TMI?  If your stomach bloats and you get gas when you eat something with wheat, it is a good indicator your body is having issues with it. Definitely, something I get to keep in moderation. I will know I've got my body figured out when I can get through a session at the temple and not get sleepy.  After the temple we went to  the Hurst's wedding reception.  It has been so fun to see four different types of weddings this month.  Grateful, none of my boys are at that point in their lives. I am not ready! I did drool a little over the cream puffs, but I kept them at bay by focusing on chatting with Teri Ball, Lori Smith, and Lorianne Thatcher. When I got home I had the last piece of zucchini cake (my family loved it! YEA!) and some plain popcorn.

Any body else have veggies for breakfast this morning??  Would love to hear some of your thoughts in the comments below.

Candida Diet Day 11: God gave us the best snacks!

 

 

When you cut sugar, bread, dairy, potatoes, fruit, tomatoes, peppers, and potatoes out of your diet many people ask me what else is there?  Lots of things!!!!  God gave us the best snacks we could eat and everything is already packaged ready to go! Most cucumbers, if watered good and picked fresh, taste good with the skin on. Carrots, you really don't need to peel them. I think that is one of those beliefs that has just been passed down from generation to generation as the thing to do, but really isn't necessary. Just curious, has anyone tried it, or have you just assumed it would taste yucky without being peeled? Celery just pull it off the stock and bite right into it. Add some peanut butter, preferably the kind with out hydrogenated oils, and you have a super quick easy filling snack. Even zucchini if you pick it when it is a little smaller than a cucumber is yummy raw.  Corn on the cob, yum, yum yum. Just cut the fat end off of it, leave it in it's husk, put  it in the microwave for three minutes, shuck and you have a tasty treat, and all the vitamins and minerals are still in there. Unlike when you boil it and all nutrients end up in the water. In my opinion, if you get sweet corn, you really don't even need butter or salt, it is yummy all by it's self.  Sugar peas, ummmmm, can't say enough about eating fresh sugar peas. Just pick and eat. Then you've got raw almonds, pecans, cashews, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds. Those are all so easy to grab, quick and easy.

If your not trying to eliminate everything that feeds yeast, like me and cutting fruit out of your diet for three weeks, fruit is even better. Bananas, apples, and oranges come in their own unique packaging, so easy to throw in a bag or purse to enjoy when the munchies hit.   Much better than chips, or cookies, or even a granola bar, which I hate to break it to you is really no different than a cookie. 

 In fact I was talking with my workout friends Leilani Merrill, and Marciea Castleman this morning, who have also committed to go the month of August with no sugar, and we all realized that a great payoff to going without sugar is we don't get the munchies like we used to!

So here is my challenge.  For just two days, eat raw veggies for breakfast instead of that cold, sugary cereal, or pancakes with syrup, or a pop tart or doughnut or even, heaven forbid nothing, and pay attention to your energy level, and clarity of thinking.  I would bet you a free massage that most of you would notice a difference.

So what have I been chowing on today?  I started off the day with some homemade granola, no milk, and a raw zucchini. I had a couple handfuls of pumpkin seeds around 11:00. About 1:30 I ate the left over tilapia from the two nights before. I did eat a few tortilla chips while I was making dinner. Dinner was Chicken Fahitas with homemade salsa. A big bummer for me to make salsa for my family and not partake but oh well. Mine consisted of chicken cooked in taco seasoning, sauteed onions (in grapeseed oil, great flavor, and an awesome source of vitamin E), avocado, and spinach. I also broke down and decided to make a dessert tonight. I made zucchini cake, with whole wheat flour and stevia for sweetener.  I kinda just had to guess on how much stevia (a natural sweetener, that actually balances your blood sugar and is two to three times as sweet as sugar) to put in it so it was a little too sweet for my taste. I still need to tweak the recipe before I post it. First time I have had any kind of a dessert since I started this.  Sadly, I realized I was a little ornery with Russ (he is such a saint to put up with me for 25 years), at Sam Ball's wedding tonight, wondering if it was the wheat or the fact that I have been staying up later than normal this week. 

Soooo anyone up to the challenge of being totally weird and eating raw veggies for breakfast?  I am serious about the free massage if you don't notice a difference.

Candida Diet Day 10:

My New Doo

The other day as I was doing my hair and I knew that it was time for a new style.  I feel like a new person. I know who I am, why I am here, and where I want to go in my life and I wanted a style that speaks that. I worked in a salon for 13 years, and have been cutting and coloring my own hair, most of the time, ever since. So  I did something I have been wanting to do, but have been afraid of doing; because I am never happy when I do. This time I decided to do it different, with clear intention, that if I got a stylist that understood my personality and what I was about, I would leave loving my look.  I called Phazes salon and told them that I was looking for a new stylist and that I wanted someone that was very artistic, creative, spunky, doesn't have to  have every hair in place and is good with short hair.  Well,  Cassidy was amazing!  She looked at my hair, face shape, and the type of business I have and what my hair needed to say about me.  She really listened that I wanted a hairstyle that's fun and a little sassy, but not to radical, that I didn't want to go shorter than what I already was, that I have crazy cowlicks that you have to consider when cutting my hair, that I wanted a color that would add some texture and pieceiness to my hair, but not too wild.  I think she did a FABULOUS job! I don't remember the last time I felt this good after getting my hair cut! If your shopping for a new stylist I would highly recommend her!

Today, I still don't feel like the Duracell battery  that I felt like last week, but it is getting better. For breakfast I had the granola I made dry since I am not doing dairy right now.  (Yes, I know there is almond milk, but it's a little sweet) Boy! does it stick to your ribs! I ate it about 9:30 and wasn't even hungry again till I got home from getting my hair done at 3:30.  Then I got the bright idea to try hummus with the quinua veggie salad I made a few days ago to spice it up and make it into a wrap.  It was DELICIOUS!  Just what it needed.

The biggest challenge I have come to is not being able to eat tomatoes. I  picked the first two tomatoes out of my garden today for the seaso. It is pure torture that I can't just grab the salt shaker and bite into them. There are soooooo many yummy recipes that call for tomotos that I would looooove to try.  But, I am learning patience, and that sometimes to get what you really want you get to give up something to have it. So my birthday present to myself on Sept 20th will be nachos's covered in yummy salsa!

Today was another cleansing day. Kinda felt achy all over and my energy level was  slugglish.  Hope this goes away soon! Anyone that's been there know what to expect?

 It was just Leilani Merrill and I that showed up to workout today, so we decided to walk instead of do step. Leilani is one of those people that you know has come into your life for a reason. She is great friend and easy to talk to. I have learned so much from her about parenting, patience, obedience and looking at things with perspective when things are hard. It's funny when we started to become friends because we both commented that we had looked at the other person and thought that it would be neat to get to know them better and become friends, but both thought the other person wouldn't really like us. It just goes to show you that when you prejudge and assume you are usually wrong.

My sister clued me into the fact that the video I posted on Day 3 didn't work so I am re-posting it here. I called it Taking Out The Mental Trash Day, because all the emotional stuff that usually sabotages me was coming up. However, I won this time!

What was the menu today? Well, this morning I had an avocado about 8:30, yeah I am weird, but that is what sounded good. I really wanted some of the granola I made yesterday, but knew it wouldn't be the same without milk, and am a little nervous that even though honey and molasses are natural they still would spike my blood sugar and make me feel more tired. At 11:30 I finished off the Hearty Veggie Soup I made last week.  About 4:00 I had some of the Quinoa with chopped veggies, I made last night.  Then I snacked on some Tortilla chips.  Dinner was baked Tilapia with the quinua with chopped veggies on the side.  It was very simple and very tasty. I just drizzled a 2 Tablespoons butter over the top, squoze (spell check says it's not a word, but I'm gonna use it anyway) fresh lemon juice over that, sprinkled garlic powder, salt pepper, and dried parsley on top and cooked it for 20 min. That was yummy! I have to admit the quinoa with veggies I made yesterday was lacking something. My son Jacob suggested cooking the quinoa in chicken broth for more flavor.  It has potential but definitely needs some work. The Granola I made was a  hit though!!!  My kids said they would like it better if it was a little sweeter, but they still have been snacking on handfuls all night. It's a great way to get my kids to eat rolled oats, ground flax seed, wheat germ, nuts and other healthy things!

I began to wonder if now that my kids are older if they resented the fact that I never had alot of sweet snacky foods around and that I was so  health conscious. We had sweets around occasionally, but the only time I ever bought pop was if we were having a party, and I only bought sugar cereals to eat Christmas morning.  My 21 year old's response surprised me the most. He told me he was glad that he grew up that way because for awile he was choosing to eat fast food and junk food alot and he was aware of how yucky it was making him feel and that people that eat that way all the time probably don't realize how yucky they feel.


All in all it was a day of realizing I still have a lot to learn about cooking healthier and what spices to use to make it yummy.  If any of you have come across any cookbooks or websites you like I would love to hear about them!

Candida Diet Day 9

So today  I took a great friend, to lunch and didn't realize the salad had shredded cheese on it. So I picked out what I could and ate the rest, oh well, that will happen from time to time, and I just get to do the best I can. Which is all we can do in all areas of our life that we are striving to improve. :)

This morning my awesome body (if you talk nice and appreciate your body, it will be nice back) decided 4:30 was the perfect time to wake up and be alert, I tried to talk it into some more zzzz'z but no luck, so I got up at 5:00 and read and studied till it was time to go running with my awesome friend and running buddy, Marceia Castleman. We did around three miles today and ran most of the way. :) My energy level and stamina running was pretty good considering we pushed it alot harder than we had been and 1/2 of our route is up hill.

My energy level today I has not been level of energy I have been experiencing for the past week since day 3.  On a scale from 1 - 10, 1 being drop dead, draggin butt, tired and 10 being the energy of a duracell battery, which is honestly have I have been feeling, I was at a 6 or 7 today. Wondering if it is just my body cleansing this virus and yeast out of it. I do  have a nasty cancer sore in my mouth (cancers are caused by a virus), and they say when you are cleansing you will still feel fatigued and achy as it gets released out of your body, so today that is the cause I am going with.

Today I tried a few more recipes out of The Green Smoothie  Girls 8 week menu planner. I made

Whole Grain Couscous with Vegetables

 Only I substituted quinuoa for the couscous, because that is what I had. I was super grateful I listened to the little voice that said, "you should by that  small Food Processor that is only $7.00", at

Smith's yesterday. It made making this dish a cinch.  It has carrots, green peppers (I made me some separate from the family without peppers) and green onions that are chopped so fine they really don't have a crunch so when you eat the dish you don't feel like you are eating raw veggies. The good news about eating whole foods, preferably raw,  is you get all the flavor without losing the nutrients and enzymes.  Then I added  fresh parsley and cilantro, which I also chopped up in the food processor, so slick! Added a can of black beans and cumin and sea salt and mixed all that together with the quinoa. Made the yummy dressing and mixed that in and wallah, it was done and ready to eat.  Unfortunately no one else was home to test it on, but I enjoyed it.  I also made Robyn's Granola out of the same book. Again was grateful that I had the food processor to chop the pecans, raw almonds and cashews I added. Very easy to make. It is sweetened with honey and molasses and the fat is coconut oil. It turned out super yummy. Way excited about that. I am not going to post the recipes because I don't feel that would be in integrity with Robyns, copyright. But she has a special right now that if you go to www.smoothiegirl.com to by her book and put 8weeks (no space) in the coupon code you save $3.00.

I am learning that eating a whole food diet isn't really that hard, it just takes being open to a new perspective on food and what it is supposed to look like and be prepared like to taste good. One of my favorite quotes says, "A new way of seeing creates a new way of being." My intention is that as I am willing to look at eating differently that I will feel differently and be more healthy and have more vitality.

Thanks to the few people that have become followers!  Would love to have some more also if you have any suggestions or ideas that would make this even more informative I would love to hear them. Just put them in the comments below.

Candida Diet Day 8

Guess what! Sugar is not a big temptation anymore. Watch my video to see why. I decided to make my video in the morning and get it out of the way so I could focus on other things, then write about the day with a picture of what dinner looked like at night. Today was another great, full of energy, day. I actually woke up "bing" wide awake at 4:30 so I got up and went in my massage room and studied till it was time to teach my power toning class at 6:00. Then I went running for another 30 min to start training for the 10k I committed to run in three weeks. It feels so great to have energy all day and not want a nap around 3:00. I was a little yawny (no not Yanni, dry humor I know) in the grocery store, but compared to taking a nap or wishing I could a yawn here and there is a great difference. It is now 10:26 and I am ready to go to bed so this will be quick. Breakfast was a grab and go, with a cucumber and two boiled eggs. For lunch I had a bowl of the Hearty Veggie soup I made on Friday. Snacked on a few tortilla chips, but felt satisfied and didn't get the munchies in between meals. For dinner I had a salad bar with cut up lettuce, avacado's, celery, yellow zucchini squash, tomatoes, shredded carrots, spiniach, boiled eggs, bacon bits, sunflower seeds, and feta cheese. As you can see everyone enjoyed it and Braden slicked his up so fast his plate was empty by the time I got back with the camera! The newspaper and dice you see in the middle of the table is one of our mealtime traditions. We like to play games while we eat, kinda strange, but I enjoy it.

Candida Diet Day 6

The video above is about my surprise that my journey to wellness has not only created wellness, but wholeness as well.  Just committed to do a 10K on September 8th! I haven't been running much for the past year and a half because it bothered my back to much, but since Russ's cousin taught me Rezzimax therapy (learn more by clicking on Transformation Body & Energy Work above), and I have all this killer energy, why not?

This morning for breakfast I had Bobs Red Mill Rolled Hot Cereal, even got Russ to try it. :) This after noon I went to a bridal shower and a sitiuation I have been dreading. Not the bridal shower, but getting there and having to politely explain why I am not eating anything at the shower. I thought there might at least be a veggie tray, but no such luck.  Anyway it wasn't as awkward as I had thought it was going to be, even though several people asked me where my plate was. I just said I am on a special diet to get rid of some toxins in my body and they seemed satisfied with that. Whew! For dinner we are having hambergers. I plan on having mine wrapped in lettuce. Best of all I get to go listen to John Schmitt play at Wolf Mountain and I am going to take some popcorn to munch on while I am there.

Candida Diet Day 5

I am finding that this really isn't that hard until dinner and now I WANT A PAPA MURPHY"S GARLIC CHICKEN PIZZA!!!! It's friday night and Russ and I want to go out to eat. I am honestly not that excited about the possibility of a salad tonight. It would also be really fun to watch the closing ceremony of the olympics with my famous crunchy carmel popcorn.  However it is really paying off. Today I wrote in my journal, I feel so empowered and excited about life I can hardly stand it.! Today I can’t put into words the difference in mood, attitude, and temperament I feel.  I didn’t realize how grumpy I felt a lot of the time.  No wonder the first time Jack (my nephew that lived with us for 7 years) went to my parents house and saw a picture of me he said, "Scoot (my nickname) come here." Than he pointed to a picture on the wall and said, " LOOK!" I said, " I know that is a picture of me in 10th grade."  He said, "Ya, but you are smiling!" Negative thoughts used to always be running through my head, and it was difficult to get it out.  Now if a negative thought pops into my head, it is easy to pop it out of there. I am also feeling so much more connected to spirit, and God. I FEEL GREAT!  I AM THINKING GREAT!   I AM WHOLE!  I LIKE ME and that is a great space to be in!

Candida Diet Day 4

Wow! Well 9 days without sugar and 4 days of no dairy, bread, and fruit is paying off! Can I just tell you how amazing it is not to feel that mental foggy feeling, to not be draggin butt all day looking forward to when 9:00 comes and I can call it day. To sit down to study in the morning and actually be learning and growing because my mind is alert and awake.  BIG PAYOFF! Infact when night comes I get out my kindle and read till I'm tired because I'm really not that sleepy, my body is tired, but it is a-- it's time to give my body a rest tired, not fall into bed exhausted and hope the alarm clock never rings in the morning tired.

In the past this is about the time that I would quit  because I'm feeling better and my mind starts to chatter that it won't hurt to have just a little of the foods that I have committed not to eat for three weeks. But this is where I get another payoff. This time when the thought of quitting enters my mind it doesn't stay there for even a second because I know I can't look at myself in the mirror this time and feel good about my integrity if I quit right now. This really is my truth and I am owning it and it is really empowering to not buy into my excuses anymore. The story in my mind becomes the story of my life and this time my story is not going to be that of a quitter!

It also makes me realize how yucky I was really feeling.  I think so often feeling yucky and sluggish happens so gradually that we think that it is normal to feel that way. And when our body does try and tell us that we need to address something we take a Tylenol,  an antacid, or grab something with caffeine in it.  It makes me sad how many people let their health get to the point where they can hardly function before they start to ask questions and begin to do something about it and even then they usually go to the doctor who gives them something for the symptoms instead of figuring out what created the problem in the first place.  Don't get me wrong,  doctors definately do good in this world, but alot of doctors I see don't look any healthier than thier patients.  Enough of my soap box.

Bob's Red Mill 5 Grain Rolled Hot Cereal

This morning I decided I would actually make me some breakfast instead of just grabbing a cucumber or carrot on the run.  It has been quite awhile since I had hot cereal so even though it is 100 degrees outside it actually sounded good.  I added a teaspoon of cinnamon, which besides adding yumminess it is really good for digestion, and some stevia, a natural sweetener you can find at the grocery store. It was very filling and really stuck with me. I ate it at 8:00 and I didn't even think about food till 1:30. (I was with clients so that helped) Then I just kinda grazed throughout the day on triscuits, cucumbers, almonds till I had Hearty Veggie Soup and a Spinich Wrap  at about 6:30.

Hearty Veggie Soup:
Chop up the following vegetables: yellow squash, zuccini, 2 med carrots, onion, and 2 celery stalks. Cook them in enough chicken broth to cover (make sure it doesn't have MSG in it, this has been linked to alot of allergies as well as migraines) along with frozen peas, and a can of Garbonzo Beans, 1/2 T onion powder, 1 tsp garlic powder, 1 T Italian seasoning and salt to taste.
In the past I also add a green pepper and a can of diced Italian tomatoes, and few drops of Tabasco sauce. I didn't today as those are not good if you are getting rid of Epstein Barr. 

Day 2 Candida Diet

Day 2 went pretty well. So far this hasn't been as hard as I thought. Hmmm what other areas of my life have I been procrastinating about, because I thought it would be too hard? Check out todays menu in the recipes button at the top of the page. 

Candida Diet Day 1

Spinach Salad:
Spiniach, Tuna mixed with Italian Herbed Dressing (below), Cucumbers, Shredded Carrots, Celery, Raw Sunflower Seeds, Sliced Boiled Egg,  Bacon Bits (I didn't add tomatoe because I get to stay away from veggies from the night shade family, (tomatoe, potatoe, and peppers) because there is a chemical in them that feeds the Epstein Barr virus.

Italian Herbed Dressing:
In a shaker pour 1/3 cup  white vinegar and 1/8 cup extra virgin olive oil. Add:
1 tsp garlic salt
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp Italian Seasoning
1/2 tsp Mrs. Dash, original blend
1/2 tsp Sea Salt.

Add one more 1/3 cup of olive oil
Shake and enjoy!

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Trials Are Our Biggest Teachers

 The trials that we have in our lives whether they are circumstances, illnesses, or people become our greatest teachers.  I am going to share with you one of my biggest trials as it has taught me a lot. My intention in sharing this is not to spill my dirt, but hopefully that maybe through my lesson if discouragement, and depression frequent your thoughts and emotions that what I am learning might be helpful to you as well.

There is a saying that you can't pour from an empty picture, meaning if you let yourself get empty you have nothing to give others. The truth of the matter is that we are never empty we are always filled with something or better put BEING something. The question is are we BEING unconditionally loving, grateful, forgiving, patient, and kind or are we BEING judgmental, a victim, unloving, selfish, unforgiving, or angry? The proof is in the results that we are getting in our lives.

One of my biggest trials that has also become one of my greatest teachers is depression. My depression was mostly  (I say mostly because there is the physical part that I have worked on through diet and supplements as well) a result negative thinking.  I was constantly BEING judgmental and critical of myself and listening to the negative chatter in my head. This resulted in me BEING judgmental and critical of others as well. Because I was so focused on the things that I didn't like about myself, many times all I could see and unfortunately sometimes say were the things that I didn't like about my husband and children.  I remember a conversation my husband and I had years ago where he said in great frustration, "it doesn't matter what I do, it will never be enough". Just recently I was talking with my oldest son, who is now 23 about how sorry I was for some of the things I said when he was little. He said, "Yeah mom, it seemed like no matter what I did it was never good enough for you."  I realized that because I felt like I wasn't enough, or could ever be or do enough, that I poured that energy out to my husband and kids. What we are BEING, is the energy that we are putting out and ultimately, because of the Law of the Harvest or what some people call Karma, is what we will get back. My relationship with my husband and my children suffered and my children don't have the self esteem that I wish they had. It can be very painful, but the good news is that it's never to late to change. As I realized my mistakes and what they were creating I started praying and asked for God to help me change.

 I felt inspired to pick up the Book of Mormon one day and I turned to Moroni 7:45 and  words sort of jumped off the page: For charity suffereth long (is tolerant), and is kind, and envieth not and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own (is unselfish and serves others), is not easily provoked (easily offended or becomes angry), thinketh no evil (doesn't think bad about self and others), and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth, bearth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. (BOM, Moroni 7:45) I knew that charity was something we were all supposed to  have but I didn't really understand that first we had to Be charity,  which is THE PURE LOVE OF CHRIST.  But before we can BE that to others we first have to BE charitable to ourselves because it is impossible to give others something that we don't already have. When I am tolerant of my weaknesses, (this doesn't mean I justify them, but cut myself some slack), am kind to myself by filling up my cup, quit envying and comparing myself to others, be patient with myself instead of getting angry when I make mistakes, and focus on my good qualities and acknowledge the good I do every day, it opens up the space to see myself as Christ sees me, a beautiful daughter of God, a work in progress, whom he loves unconditionally and WITH CHARITY. Then it is easy to see good in others, see them as Christ sees them and be charitable towards them. 

Sometimes when someone breaks your trust, or hurts you feeling charity toward them can be very hard, but as it says in Moroni 7:48:  Pray unto the Father with all the energy of  heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed up on all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him. It might take time, but God knows our heart and through Christ we can be healed.

Yesterday I was talking about this with a friend and I asked her what she was going to do to show more love to herself. She  said she was going to quit being so critical of her looks and she was going to start by loving and embracing her wrinkles. I told her that her wrinkles make her eyes twinkle.

 I am learning that the key to overcoming my depression and finding true happiness is to ask myself what state of BEING am I in today and if it's not love figure out what I am BEING that is keeping me from BEING charitable to myself and/or others.  Sometimes at that point I can use energy work to clear the negative emotion and move on and sometimes there is a further lesson to learn and I get to process it some more. The good news is that God is always there to help me through it.